This message is for all of you, but especially for those of you who may have been visiting your tax-free and offshore banking subsidiaries when the latest bailout news was announced. Therefore, some of you may have missed the good news of more taxpayers' money. Somehow I don’t think so! But, we have your welfare at heart.
As you know, the government has handed over billions of dollars, or was it trillions, to bail out a number of you with taxpayers' dollars. And some of these taxpayers' billions were given back to some of you by one of your own who also received billions of taxpayers' dollars. In fact, this financial conglomerate also gave billions of taxpayers' money to other financial establishments outside the country. Very generous of them, eh! What? Oh well, I guess you people like to spread the taxpayers' money around in your financial families. I guess that old saying holds true, "The financial family that preys together, stays together." Just kidding, of course. You guys know what you are doing with taxpayers' billions. Now we are going to bail you out some more. How will this be done?
We have set up a ‘Public Private Partnership’ with mostly taxpayers' money that hopefully will invest in all your ‘toxic assets,’ oops I mean ‘legacy assets’ that you all have on your books. The taxpayers money, oops, I mean the ‘Public Private Partnership,’ will hopefully bring a profitable conclusion to your financial situation. The government will also be giving out loans and hiring investors to facilitate the disposal of taxpayers money into the ‘Public Private Partnerships.’ At first we called this dumpster for ‘toxic assets’ a ‘bad bank’ but after much discussion with our marketing expert we decided to call it a ‘Public Private Partnership,’ this certainly sounds more business like. And the always available taxpaying stiffs, oops, I mean public will pick up the tab should the partnership fail.
But even if it fails, at least we will have tried and the broad shoulders of the taxpayers will once again be there for you to cry on. But right now this is not a time for tears. This is a time for joy in the marketplace of money, thanks once again to those taxpaying stiffs, oops, I mean the ‘Public, Private Partnerships.’
Partnerships with the public are important in the situation you all find yourselves in. And you all know public money is easily obtainable when you have governments sympathetic to your financial problems. And of course, I must mention that some of the corporate media, and of course governments, are saying that this latest bonanza of taxpayers' money into the ‘Public, Private Partnership’ is a panacea for all of your financial ills.
In closing, the government hopes that this information will alleviate all your concerns and that you can all get back to business as usual in the free markets.
To those reading this message who are not Bankers and Financiers: Bailouts of taxpayers' money only applies to the aforementioned. The ordinary taxpayer who is hurting and has lost their job, or has debts, mortgages or other financial liabilities, do not qualify for these bailouts. If any of you taxpayers need any money, go to your financial institution and ask for a loan. After all, it is your money.
Your Government Spokesperson
Stephen J. Gray
April 2, 2009